It’s a scam…
The rom com movies lied.
All of those love songs titled “You are my everything” … SCAM!
The pastor gave you nonsense advice on your wedding day when he said you should ditch your friends because from that moment on “your wife is your everything”: friend, lover, mother and God-forbid what else.
Your partner is not your everything.
No one person can fulfill the multiple wants and needs you have.
Now hold on…
Before you run off and use this as an excuse for ‘stepping out’ of your monogamous relationship, let me elaborate.
If the most important reasons that prompted you to enter into a relationship are not being fulfilled, then stop reading this. You need to communicate this dissatisfaction and unmet expectations with your partner immediately.
For the rest of us who expect one person to be our everything, our ‘one size fits all’, our ‘yonke into’, our ‘jack of all trades’…shall we take a moment and ponder on the reality that sometimes ‘a jack of all trades, (is a) master of none’.
Perhaps it is more realistic (and definitely less frustrating) to accept that our partners will master certain trades and the rest might need to be out-sourced to yourself and/or other individuals.
So which trades do we outsource?
The ones that are not going to result in pain, denigration, humiliation, isolation, a break-up (a divorce can be quite pricey) or a miserable life-long partnership.
The aim is not to make our partners feel useless – the point should be to draw on their strengths and accept their weaknesses especially if such weaknesses are not deal breakers AND such weaknesses are not harmful and violent.
I recently got introduced to a strategy dubbed Personal Board or personal broad of directors. Your personal board are a team of people who you call on for support BUT the members on the board do not offer the same kind of support. Each member plays a different role in your life! Although the strategy is primarily used for career advancement, I suggest for your consideration that its usefulness extends beyond that.
While there are various PB models, I personally consider the following model useful due to its holistic approach. My interpretation of this model suggests the inclusion of the following six (6) members on your personal board:
1) Peer: A like-minded agemate that beliefs in your craft and inspires you to be more.
2) Cheerleader: The person you consult when you need a ‘pick-me-up’.
3) Career Coach: Someone who can help you develop a career path and assist you in reaching your career goals.
4) Mentor: A sensible, wise senior individual who can give you advice and guidance on various matters.
5) Connector: Someone who knows someone who knows you. Somebody whose name you can use to open otherwise closed doors.
6) Wellness Coach: A person who cares about your physical and mental state.
I think access to a personal board will decrease the pressure we put on our partners to be our ‘everything’.
No one person can be your everything – it takes a village.
For a visual depiction of the Personal Board model, click here.